Advise Please: Just wondering - have you done or are you in couple's therapy?

[lattelover888]

my gf wants to do this couple thing before we get married. im not sure there's a need to do it. anyone experienced this sort of thing?

[PinkRose]

my gf wants to do this couple thing before we get married. im not sure there's a need to do it. anyone experienced this sort of thing?

Since she made the request, there must be a reason why she feels that you should do it.

It's not really therapy, it's basically couple's counseling. The counselor goes over some techniques for better communication, goal planning, how to agree and disagree, etc. You will get some homework to do, along with some practice exercises on how to communicate with each other. You will be surprised to find out how much you don't know about communicating with your partner. You will learn some listening skills (very important), some skills for compromising (also important), and some skills on how to be in a relationship and still keep your individuality.

You will also discuss your goals for the future, budgeting, family planning, etc. You may be surprised to learn things about each other that you didn't know before.

Even though you will feel uncomfortable at first, the benefits will be worth it. Plus, since your girlfriend wants to do it, you will be making her happy by doing it.

It's usually just for less than ten sessions - but it could be more if the counselor detects a problem in the relationship that needs further exploring.

If you refuse to do it, you may as well forget the idea of getting married. You'll be starting off on a negative note, and that's not good.

Just go for it.

Rose

[Fullcaf]

I am a veteran of many different therapies, as an individual,,as a spouse and as a parent. There are several factors that are important to know before you attempt any form of therapy. The main two are your desire to change and your goal. If you and your gf are seeking life lessons in marriage then any self help book will suffice. If however there is an issue such as sex, money or kids ( the big three) then counseling may be for you.
So I suggest you sit down with your girlfriend and define the issue. Determine if both of you can accept the possibility and have a desire to change .If you can’t do those two things then I believe that any form of counseling will be of no use. After that find a therapist, check his qualifications and interview him. Most therapists will consent to a short Q and A by phone at no charge. You need to find out if he/she is a person you can relate to. Is the therapy going to be a long term continuing process or just a short term goal directed process? What is the charge? Accept insurance?
These are but but a few of the many issues to discuss before you enter therapy. I hope this helps.

[lattelover888]

Since she made the request, there must be a reason why she feels that you should do it.

It's not really therapy, it's basically couple's counseling. The counselor goes over some techniques for better communication, goal planning, how to agree and disagree, etc. You will get some homework to do, along with some practice exercises on how to communicate with each other. You will be surprised to find out how much you don't know about communicating with your partner. You will learn some listening skills (very important), some skills for compromising (also important), and some skills on how to be in a relationship and still keep your individuality.

You will also discuss your goals for the future, budgeting, family planning, etc. You may be surprised to learn things about each other that you didn't know before.

Even though you will feel uncomfortable at first, the benefits will be worth it. Plus, since your girlfriend wants to do it, you will be making her happy by doing it.

It's usually just for less than ten sessions - but it could be more if the counselor detects a problem in the relationship that needs further exploring.

If you refuse to do it, you may as well forget the idea of getting married. You'll be starting off on a negative note, and that's not good.

Just go for it.

Rose

wow ok, thanks for this indepth insight Rose. My friends are against her and said the opposite of what you said.

[lattelover888]

I am a veteran of many different therapies, as an individual,,as a spouse and as a parent. There are several factors that are important to know before you attempt any form of therapy. The main two are your desire to change and your goal. If you and your gf are seeking life lessons in marriage then any self help book will suffice. If however there is an issue such as sex, money or kids ( the big three) then counseling may be for you.
So I suggest you sit down with your girlfriend and define the issue. Determine if both of you can accept the possibility and have a desire to change .If you can’t do those two things then I believe that any form of counseling will be of no use. After that find a therapist, check his qualifications and interview him. Most therapists will consent to a short Q and A by phone at no charge. You need to find out if he/she is a person you can relate to. Is the therapy going to be a long term continuing process or just a short term goal directed process? What is the charge? Accept insurance?
These are but but a few of the many issues to discuss before you enter therapy. I hope this helps.

You're right Fullcaf. Thank you. And yes, there may be some minor issues. I think that she bombarded me too much to a point that I got tired of her nagging me. She sent me articles from regain to read of how important this counseling is before getting married (im attaching it for you to see - it's so over the top). My parents has been married for almost 40 years and they didn't go to counseling before they tied the knot. Im not saying we're the same but I will make it work with her, I am committed. It's just that I feel off unloading our problems to another person. I feel weak.

[PinkRose]

You're right Fullcaf. Thank you. And yes, there may be some minor issues. I think that she bombarded me too much to a point that I got tired of her nagging me. She sent me articles from regain to read of how important this counseling is before getting married (im attaching it for you to see - it's so over the top). My parents has been married for almost 40 years and they didn't go to counseling before they tied the knot. Im not saying we're the same but I will make it work with her, I am committed. It's just that I feel off unloading our problems to another person. I feel weak.

Lattelover888,

You said "there may be some minor issues", which probably means that there are some minor issues. Discussing those issues with an unbiased third party, who is trained in such matters, is the best way to go. You may feel weak discussing your problems with another person, but you're not. Even though you will feel uncomfortable at first, it takes commitment and courage to take that step. It would be a sign of weakness if you ignored your girlfriend's request and not deal with those minor issues now. It's useless to compare your relationship with your parent's relationship or anyone else's. Each person brings their own expectations into the relationship, and each relationship is different. Right now you need to focus on what's good for the two of you. It's probably best if you leave your friends out of it. You need to do what's right for you and your girlfriend. I think, deep down in your heart, you already know what's the right thing to do.

Rose

[lattelover888]

Lattelover888,

You said "there may be some minor issues", which probably means that there are some minor issues. Discussing those issues with an unbiased third party, who is trained in such matters, is the best way to go. You may feel weak discussing your problems with another person, but you're not. Even though you will feel uncomfortable at first, it takes commitment and courage to take that step. It would be a sign of weakness if you ignored your girlfriend's request and not deal with those minor issues now. It's useless to compare your relationship with your parent's relationship or anyone else's. Each person brings their own expectations into the relationship, and each relationship is different. Right now you need to focus on what's good for the two of you. It's probably best if you leave your friends out of it. You need to do what's right for you and your girlfriend. I think, deep down in your heart, you already know what's the right thing to do.

Rose

Yea, I see the point PinkRose. Have decided to face this with her and hope this will make us closer.

[PinkRose]

Yea, I see the point PinkRose. Have decided to face this with her and hope this will make us closer.

Thanks for the update. I was wondering how things were going with your decision, but I was afraid to ask.

I'm glad to hear that you're going ahead with it.

Rose

[NalaLyla]

I believe that every couple would find out the issues to work with at counsellor's office. When I was married, I wanted my ex to visit therapy and I guess that pressure from my side caused lots of quarrels. I suppose if we applied to the therapy together, it might work. But our marriage ended up with filling out divorce forms and mutual blamings, tho we minimised the amount of meetings and filed online divorce. Nowadays I am with another man and we have minor issues, we are not married yet, but he recently proposed to me and I would visit a therapist, if he doesn't mind. But I don't feel like I am ready to pop up the question I am not sure if this comes in hand to me and our marriage and don't want to be the Pusher.