Take full Schlitz Malt Liquor can (yes, it has to be SML in order to truly be red neck). Punch a half dozen holes with a 16 penny nail in the bottom of the can and let the beer drain into a frosted glass. Drink the beer as you continue. Punch a 6 penny size hole into the unopened tab on the top of the can, and another adjacent to that on the can top. Pop the tab and fill the can half full with green beans. String bailing wire through the hole in the tab and through the adjacent hole in the top of the can, and tie shut. Place the can securely on the engine block of your warmed up John Deere tractor (Massey Ferguson or International Harvester will do in a pinch), and continue with your chores, stopping occasionally to turn the can. Alternatively, you can string bailing wire through two of the holes in the bottom of the can, and fashion a long handle with which to turn the can without interrupting your chores. This is especially helpful during harvest season. Should take about 20 minutes to complete the roast, but you will have to experiment with time for a particular tractor until you nail it down...not literally nail it down, just sayin'.
Clip the bailing wire holding the tab closed, and now pop the top again and empty beans into a clean (optional) gym sock. Tie off one end of the gym sock, and toss & catch until cool. If you plan to use the coffee immediately, take a Stanley 10 ounce dead blow hammer, and hammer the crap out of the beans. Empty sock into brew basket of a blue enamel camping percolator, and brew over a Kingsford charcoal fire.
The end. Amen.
